The flowers of romance

(This post is not film related. It’s to do with dating. Cinema, of course, offers plenty of guidance to the viewer when it comes to affairs of the heart. If Romcoms didn’t exist, nobody in the world would ever get off with anybody else.)

When I first signed up for online dating, a lot of friends told me that I should expect a few weird messages. Not too many along the lines of, ‘Hey lady, let’s doooooooooo it!’, but a few strange ones. I once got a very rude message which was clearly meant for somebody else. And I’ve had a couple where the gentleman thought he was being incredibly original by describing himself as a ‘cunning linguist’.

And then, today, there was this one:

‘So, obviously you passed the aesthetics test or shallow men (like myself) would never contact you, but a buddy of mine was looking over my shoulder and claimed that – without a doubt – your profile looked to have been written by a guy; it’s just too perfect, minus the incompletion. He claimed that any account with so little information is a dead giveaway. I came to your defense, of course, but now we’ve got a £20 bet going as to whether or not you’re real. So I wondered, just between us, am I about to lose £20?’

He probably wants me to come back with something along the lines of, ‘Oh sir, as a lady I am completely overwhelmed by your wisdom and adeptness at cutting and pasting. Would you care to meet up round the back of Costcutter to partake of a Ginsters pastie?’

Actually, I won’t be replying. Though if I did, I would send him the following:


It’s (obviously) nice to hear that I (obviously) passed your aesthetics test (obviously). I am always pleased to hear that I have passed any test at all. At the age of 9, I was prone to celebrating a pleasing result in a spelling test by firing a small cannon off the top of my local Arndale Centre. (Of course, I would have to do this at night, as the staff of Topman did not take kindly to cannonfire distracting potential purchasers from their fine array of slacks.)

It’s also good to hear that you liked my profile so much. I’m not entirely sure that I agree that about the ‘incompletion’, though. Whilst I was aiming to keep it punchy, you’ll find that I’ve filled most of the boxes in. Admittedly some of what I’ve written involves silly gags about primates, but I think that still counts as ‘information’.

Anyways, your friend guessed correctly on the genitals front. Please give him 20 pounds.

Manly regards,

Nigel Florian de Slut Box.